1. We will elect a new president
Some local predictions. Some national. Some global. Basically, I’m a psychic. But don’t worry, these totally accurate and definitely daring predictions are free of charge. You’re welcome.
Half of the country will be upset. But by the time it happens, we will also be so sick of politics that we’ll go three whole months, I mean days, without mentioning potential 2020 candidates.
2. Pot shops will open in Clarkston
And the entire valley will break away from the Earth and descend into an underworld crack den within four months. Or nothing will really happen. It’s kind of hard to tell with this one.
3. A new iPhone will be released
Eighty percent of iPhone users will rush out to buy it. The other 20 percent will just give their three-generations-old one a good shake and slap and hope it gets them through to contract renewal.
4. Vandal football will actually win some games
After a record-setting year of actually winning a couple of times, Vandal football is on its way to maybe actually being slightly competitive in conference play. Just gotta work on those deep balls and special teams and stuff. Or something.
5. Things with worldwide importance will happen
in the Middle East
And 60 percent of Americans will say, “Tehran? I thought that was a gas station.”
6. Washington State University will find a new president
And the poor person will feel the pressure of needing to fill the shoes of Elson Floyd, who died in June. Even incoming freshmen who have literally no idea who the president of the university is, will shake their heads, tsk to themselves and say the new hire “ain’t no E. Flo.”
7. People will flock to see the next installment of super hero movies
“Batman v Superman” (which nobody will like, let’s be real); “Captain American: Civil War”; “X-men: Apocalypse”; “Suicide Squad” (which is the only coming DC release that looks remotely promising, in my opinion); “Deadpool”; etc. However, none of them will see record-breaking box office success. “Star Wars VII” took care of that for awhile.
8. Someone famous will say something really stupid
And the Internet will react with shock, horror and a barrage of think pieces and commentary.
9. Kids will continue to be kids
With their technology and their newfangled words and dubstep and memes and stuff. Get off my lawn.
10. The future will fail to arrive like we were promised
Flying cars, teleporters, machines that make whatever food you want at the push of a button … come on, science. We were promised these things a long time ago. OK, maybe these promises were made by science fiction but there’s still the word science in there. I demand a refund.