Watch online: To see the dance moves mentioned in this story visit http://bit.ly/1nIS9QyBy DYLAN BROWN
of Inland 360
It was readily apparent from the moment I stepped out onto the darkened cafeteria floor at the seventh-grade dance. In the years of spasms, sprinklers and dropped partners to come, the realization dawned on me and stuck like a hangover — dancing will never be my thing.
My go-to move is the old wobbly legs George Bailey used to woo Mary in the holiday chestnut “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I, like Jimmy Stewart, found my only hope was to admit “I’m not very good at this” and then prove it in the most endearing way possible.
Most people throughout history and across the planet can’t dance, hence they invented the great equalizer — the everybody-do-the-same-move dance. From Victorian line dances to the Harlem Shake, humanity has sought moves to put that moon walking kid in his place.
Here are some classics for one and all:
Your hands are the house fly. As ordered by Chubby Checker, “You’ve gotta shake your hands all around and around the sky and then you buzz around the floor — you can do it if you really try.”
Stick out your thumbs, hit the dance floor and throw them over your shoulders. If everybody dances like Elaine from “Seinfeld,” then no one dances like Elaine from “Seinfeld.” Kicks and hair flailing should be avoided.
“The Grizzly Bear”
In case you find yourself at a party with music from a silent movie, go with the “Grizzly Bear.” Grab a partner, stick up your paws and refrain from growling.
“The Algorithm March”
Math is hard, but if executed correctly by you and seven friends, this Japanese classic is eight moves of strange. First person, bend your knees and reach out straight. The second person leans back with arms akimbo. A third person turns around and bows. A fourth faces right and moves his or her right hand in a horizontal sweep. The fifth bends his or her knees and does the breaststroke. A sixth person bends down and pretends to pick up a chestnut. A seventh person “pumps” a bicycle tire. And an eighth person flaps his or her arms as though inflated by that pump. Now rotate.
“The Chicken” came before the Frug, pronounced “froog.” Like the Chicken though, all you have to do is shake your hips and move around a little. Then throw in your arm movement of choice — “the Swim” is always good. Smile that giddy 60s smile, or the parents who invented the Frug will tell you to stop dancing so inappropriately.
Brown may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or (208) 848-2278. Follow him on Twitter @DylanBrown26.