Advice Rat is back with some relationship advice this month since February is a time when love is in the air. Questions for Advice Rat can be emailed to email@example.com and will be passed along.
Dear Advice Rat,
Other couples I know are always professing their undying love and devotion for each other on social media. My husband and I aren’t inclined to do this but sometimes I secretly wish he would. Why am I so conflicted? I also wonder if these other people have a better relationship than us?
— Confused Voyeur
Dear Confused Voyeur,
I’m confused about what’s confusing. Sounds like you’d like it if your spouse said something sweet on social media. So tell him that — last I checked human males haven’t evolved the ability to read minds. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’ll do it, but at least he knows you’d like it. And who knows, maybe he secretly wishes you’d do the same.
As to these other “better” relationships, things aren’t always as they appear, Confused Voyeur. For example, the next time you visit your local grocery store, look around the edges of the building and you’ll likely see a nondescript metal cube the size of a shoebox with a circular door. When I first saw one of these I thought, wow, the humans finally built a cozy house for rats, just like they do for their dogs.
Then my friend went in and never came out.
Humans are capable of ugly things. They don’t usually put those things on social media. They prefer the shiny wrapper — but until you dig your snout in, you don’t know what’s inside.
Dear Advice Rat,
I’m taking this great lady out for Valentine’s Day but I have no idea where to go. Can you suggest some tips for a memorable romantic date?
— Hungry for Love
Dear Hungry for Love,
You’ve come to the right place, my friend. Rats are the kings of romance, and I like to think of myself as one of the elite in this respect. An amazing date begins before the two of you meet. Look your best, groom your fur and take a quick roll in the garbage pile so you look and smell your best. You’ll want to bring a gift. I advise fellow rats to grab a little food, something from that garbage pile they just rolled in, but humans seem to prefer colorful, fragrant reproductive plant parts. Look, I’m not here to judge — just get your lady what she likes. You get these two steps right, it doesn’t matter as much what you do next. Sharing a meal together isn’t that original, but it works. We rats have a number of restaurants we like to frequent but they get a little upset if that list is leaked to humans.