There are few things that we Americans love more than our cold breakfast cereal.
We, the staff of Inland 360, are no exception. We talk about cereal all the time. The passions expressed for Cap’n Crunch would make you blush, and there are stories about Raisin Bran bingeing that we promise you don’t want to hear. We may (and do) argue over whether marshmallows belong in cereal, but there is one thing we can all agree on: We love our cereal.
We suspect you do too. And because it’s our priority to deliver quality, important, thought-provoking content, we present the Inland 360 Summer Cereal Smackdown. Our aim is to determine which of America’s most beloved cold breakfast cereals reigns supreme in our hearts, mouths and bellies.
Here’s how it works: Each week, from Thursday to Monday, polls will be open on our website, inland360.com, where your vote will empower your favorite cereal to smash out its weekly challenger. Each week, the winners and the updated bracket will be published in Inland 360, and voting will begin again. At the end of seven weeks, the final winner will be announced.
The cereals are divided into four sections, each led by a team mascot — Lucky the Leprechaun of Lucky Charms, Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes, Trix Rabbit of Trix and Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, also known as Cap’n Crunch of Cap’n Crunch. In anticipation of this epic battle between 64 cereals, we sat down with the mascots to get their thoughts about the upcoming competition:
Inland 360: It’s a historic moment with all of you gathered together in one place. How are you feeling about facing off in the Summer Cereal Smackdown?
Lucky the Leprechaun: They’re always after me Lucky Charms — me pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers. I’ll surely win.
Cap’n Crunch: I’ve spent many a day on the high seas, enduring the beating sun and battering winds and waves that threatened to send us to the deepest depths. But that wasn’t the worst of it, no, the worst were the days when there was not the faintest hint of a breeze and mutiny was in the air .…
360: Cap’n, the cereal competition, how do you feel about the cereal competition?
Cap’n: I count it among the noblest of pursuits and it hearkens my memory to a time on the Isle of …
360: Great, thank you, Cap’n. Trix, you seem a little anxious. Are you worried about the competition?
Trix Rabbit: Well, (glancing around the room) it’s not the competition I’m worried about. It’s just, you know, I’m a rabbit and everyone’s always trying to take my cereal away. And also, not to engage in species-profiling, but Tony’s sitting here and, I mean, I am a prey animal.
360: Oh, I’m sure it’s not a problem. Right, Tony? How do you feel about rabbits?
Tony the Tiger: They’re grrrrreat!
360: Hey Trix, woah. Come back to your seat. He wasn’t talking about how you taste, he only eats Frosted Flakes — he’s an all-in kind of guy, aren’t you, Tony? What is it that you like so much about those flakes?
Tony: They’re grrrrrrrrrreat!
360: Ah, yes, of course. And how about you Cap’n, tell us about your cereal. How has your life experience influenced those sweet, crunchy oat-and-corn squares of yours?
Cap’n: As a young lad, I learned the value of hard work and the pain that must be endured to enjoy reward, a value I pass on in my cereal, so crisp it never uncrunches. The sharp sugar edges of each bite threaten to tear your mouth to shreds, but the agony is only a drop of milk in a sea of deliciousness.
360: Wow, that’s deep. Who knew eating cereal could build character? Lucky, how about you? How has your life shaped the marshmallow oat-y cereal we all love?
Lucky: It’s been a magically delicious journey, from the introduction of blue diamonds in 1975 to the limited edition snowman in 2017.
360: And how do you imagine the cereals in your division will fare during the competition?
Lucky: I think they will all win.
360: Well, that’s not how brackets work. Only one can prevail. Any guesses on which one it will be?
Lucky: Among me Lucky Charms are yellow and orange hourglasses which have the power to reverse time. All me cereals will win.
360: I’ll remind you that vote tampering in any form, including magic or Russian hackers, is against the rules.Tony, how are feeling about the cereals in your division?
Tony: They’re grrrrrrrreat!
360: I should’ve guessed. Any predictions about who might emerge as a strong competitor?
Tony: They’re grrrrrrrrrrrreat!
360: Yes. Alright. And you Trix? Seeing any strong contenders in your division?
Trix: Any time I try to eat a bowl of cereal someone takes it away and says, “Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids” — even if it’s not Trix, so, I really can’t offer an educated opinion.
360: You’ll be just fine, Trix. And so will the rest of you. Thank you all for being here and best of luck to each of you. May the best cereal win.