Few holiday endeavors are quite as fun as grabbing a pen and circling what you want for Christmas in a catalogue.The trouble is, when you’re a grownup, nobody cares about what you circled and the few catalogues that you might still get in the mail don’t have anything to get excited about. So we decided to come up with some things that might change that. These items don’t seem to exist, but we might circle them in a holiday catalogue if they did:
The Original Gift Coupon. Bearers of the Original Gift Coupon can simply present the coupon to an individual of their choosing that will enable them to “get out of one gift, free of guilt.” The coupons work best when exchanged, but can also be effective when given to someone for the purpose of being given back to you.
AutoIgnore. Similar to apps that send an auto-reply that indicate that the receiver is driving and will reply as soon as they reach their destination, AutoIgnore sends an auto-reply to indicate the receiver isn’t responding right away because they just don’t feel like it. This app is helpful in a variety of relational settings and quickly notifies the sender that the message has been received and will “probably” get a reply “sometime.”
RealitySwitch™. This simple but effective switch allows you to turn reality on and off at will. Pre-program your non-reality world to include features such as abundant sunshine, generous bosses, calorie-free food and drinks, spouses/significant others that happily agree with you, kind and intelligent political leaders and perfectly well-behaved children with good attitudes. The reality switch currently takes six days to recharge after one day of use.
An OK, reasonable Democratic presidential nominee. This figure isn’t great or, by any means everything you’d want in a future president, but he or she is good enough and has the exciting distinction of not having obvious and highly problematic flaws. And at some point, that begins to sound pretty good.
SocialScanner™. The SocialScanner allows you to leave your social media interactions and experiences feeling relationally supported and connected, intellectually stimulated and emotionally stable. When you view social media through the lenses of these fashionable glasses, they automatically block content that is inaccurate, inane, unnecessarily offensive or just not a good idea for you right now. Available in a wide range of styles for youth through adults.
Valid airline tickets from the Lewiston airport to anywhere other than Salt Lake City. These are ideal for those who wish to travel by air from Lewiston in a direction other than A Long Way South.
Kids These Days app. This dictionary-type app translates the words and behaviors of young people. Simply photograph, video, record or describe phrases, fashions, dance moves, vocabulary, actions and other behaviors and the app will provide context and explanation. The upgrade version, Kids These Days Pro, sends weekly forecasts for words and behaviors likely to be seen and heard in your region in the coming week.
Unicorn. There’s no practical reason to have one of these, other than spicing up your Instagram account, but since we’re making a list of fantastical things, it seemed we ought to add one.